Vitruvian 2009. An epic, heroic, sexy Triathlon.

"Bang!”

That was the noise of Stephen Slay’s car door slamming as heard through my tent at 4.39am.

“James are you up?”

“Yeah.” Came my barely audible, pathetic reply. I was cursing Steve’s name under my breath for waking me.

4.40am and the alarm I had set on my mobile went off anyway.

Steve had been up since before 4am. Who knows what goes through the mind of the soon to be club champ series winner (AKA ‘Big Steve’, AKA ‘The Mountain Goat) on the night before a big race? Some say he stays up all night individually counting the optimum number of cornflakes for peak race performance into a bowl. Whatever it was it had to see him round the course that day for his name to go down in the annals of Tri legend…

I set my goals on something more realistic and achievable; breakfast. Real coffee, 2 x croissants and jam and muesli turns out to be too much food before a swim. You heard it here first kids.

Then there followed the pre-race period I call ‘The Big Flap’. This is the hour where I panic trying to sort out everything needed for transition, get the bike assembled and racked, get changed into my wetsuit and attend the race briefing. Normally I’d be OK but on little / no sleep and operating in the dark of a battery powered head torch it became a challenge. Just to make it harder our tents were a good 15 minute walk away from transition / racking and I have a brain that doesn’t come equipped with a sense of direction (this would become apparent in the lake).

The Big Flap is best illustrated by the adrenalin rush I got as I realised I wasn’t wearing my timing chip. During race briefing. Immediately before wave one (me) was meant to be in the water. Transition (the most likely place for the chip to be) had just closed. I started to scramble frantically around in a plastic bag that had my trainers and jeans in. Another competitor taps me on the shoulder. I turn my face, wet with panic.

“You do know your timing chip is stuck to the back of your wetsuit?”

Velcro.

So that happened.

Wave one was sent into the lake.

To enter the water you had to cross the ‘Beach of Death’. It is composed of hot coals, fibre glass and broken bottles. The good people at the Vitruvian use it to filter out the hyper-sensitive from starting their race. I was told afterwards that actually the beach was just lots of very sharp rocks. I still don’t believe them.

I noticed three notable things about the water at the start of the Vitruvian:

1. Its black.

2. Its smelly

3. Its full of weeds.

Because of my Big Flap I hadn’t taken any notice of the race briefing which meant the compass bearing that the swim was about to follow was a mystery.

The horn sounded.

I got in my usual position for the swim. That is behind Slow & Kicky and in front of Fast & Grabby.

We meandered between the buoys. The water became clearer. The smell dissipated. The weeds became less frequent. I started to enjoy myself.

My poor eyesight and scratched goggles meant I was counting on Slow & Kicky for my sense of direction. We really didn’t take the most direct route round the course. Somehow our entire wave seemed to funnel back together at each buoy causing slow bottle necks. At one spot on each lap some red sediment had been churned up off the lake floor, making me feel I was swimming through the film set of Jaws. But it was good to have a land mark (or water mark?... neither seem appropriate).

Another Vitruvian treat was the 50m run between the swim laps. Slow and Kicky and myself swam right passed the exit ramp for about 5-10m. People shouting and gesticulating sent me back the right way, out of the lake and along a matted section of The Beach of Death for lap two.

Lap two was much the same.

Darky, smelly and weedy.

Clear and pleasant.

Jaws.

Buoy jam.

Exit.

At last, transition!! Freedom.

I loved the Vitruvian Triathlon. I know up to now it seems that I have been less than positive but I think hyperbole makes a better read. The bike and run courses were terrific.

Both were 2 laps each. Both had tough ‘first bits’.

I faffed (I’m sorry spell check but ‘faffed’ is definitely a word) around for five minutes in T1 (at least four of these minutes were me trying to pull a cycle jersey over a wet torso). I was off. The light at 7 am was beautiful. I should get up early more often.

The first part of the bike course had an uphill rise and was into the wind. You soon arrive at the ‘Rutland Ripple’, a straight and long descent immediately followed by a straight and long ascent. This was the biggest hill on the course. On the advice of Big Steve, Vitruvian Veteran and Mountain Goat I went as fast as possible down the ripple and found myself half way up the other side in no time. Good tip that.

The sun was up. The bike course continued for the most part around rolling hills, on large but well surfaced roads that were thankfully quiet in terms of traffic. Scenery was pleasant and green but the wind meant I was mainly focused on the end of my tri bars. You really needed the tri-bars for this event.

Personally the high point of each lap was a group of supporters all dressed in Mexican bandit outfits, shaking maracas along to a stereo blasting uplifting Mexican trumpet music. Pretty surreal. Later on the run course you got a good look at all the other people taking part as they ran past. Several folk were dressed-up in this Mexican attire, including one guy in a sombrero and, even more impressive considering the temperature, a fellow in a brightly coloured poncho. I spoke to Poncho Man on the run and it turned out he wasn’t taking the race all that seriously.

To me the bike seemed to fly by. I was a little concerned that I hadn’t eaten much. I could still feel lots of coffee and cereal swilling about in my bowels. On top of breakfast I had eaten way too much during my taper (including a night of homemade cider consumption) which cumulatively contributed to a general bloated-ness. I managed two Naked bars on the whole bike.

The run.

Slow.

Long.

Bright.

Colourful.

Painful.

Blah, blah, blah….

Start on a path round the lake. Go under some trees on some grass (with concealed potholes that nearly claimed my ankle on lap one). Along the ‘Dam Busters’ dam over Rutland water. Away from the noise of the crowds, away from the Tannoy system. Calm and concrete paths. A long way. Round the lake. Pass a church.

Round the lake.

A long way.

Four aid stations later and you reach the first turn around point. As I was handed my wrist band I had to ask if this was half way round or a quarter of the way. I didn’t like the answer. It was a long way back to where we had to turn round and then start over. Still the out and back design meant we got to see everyone else. You could shout encouragement at fellow Oxford Tri members and taunt our rivals. The first person I recognised was Vitruv-Ian Loades (get it??) putting in a storming performance. I tried to spur on all the Oxford Tri people that passed. And the Mexican Bandits. And people who walked. Soon I found form (and caffine gels) giving me an enjoyable and considerably quicker final lap. I kept in mind that soon I could sit down. On a chair. And then it was over. Water, medal, t shirt. I was a Vitruvian. I sat down on a chair. Bliss.

Everyone I spoke to afterwards had had a great day.

Now I don’t know everyone at the club so I am putting down here who and what I can remember. People can put their times, comments, corrections and accusations that I’m an outright liar/charlatan in the comments section below. Apologies if I’ve missed you out or have written something false.

Big Steve got a new PB of 5h 49m 34s, completed the race and should (if our calculations are right) be club series winner 2009. I really hope he is or I’ll look like a right prick.

Ian Loades got the fastest time from Oxford Tri and a PB. He said he was worried about the run as he struggled in 2008. Not this year!! An amazing performance of 4h 25m.

The Ox Tri Relay team was celebrating after winning a bet* that they could beat Big Steve Slay by more that 10 minutes. Well done Nick Twist (swim), Drew Dodds and Greg (who is not from our club).

Ian Smith completed his first half Ironman distance triathlon in (from memory) 5h 15m (correct me if I’m wrong). It was fast anyway!!

Daniel Talbot-Ponsonby came in at a stonking 5h 25m (again, correct me if this time is wrong)

Kevin Durrant, a blistering 5h 32m. This guy didn’t even look tired afterwards.

Now I’m going to look very stupid as I don’t remember/know the following finishing times: Lesley Parry-Jones, Emma Keys and Annita Donaldson all became ‘Vitruvians’ yesterday. It is not because you’re all women that I don’t know your times. Its just we’ve never spoken, I probably don’t recognise you and I’m a terrible human being.

There was ‘Mystery Oxford Tri Dude’ who was wearing our team kit but nobody I spoke to knew his name. Who are you? You were fast!!

I was pleased with myself as I managed to get under 5h for the first time(4h 59m!!).

To round up… Vitruvian was an enjoyable, well organised and challenging middle distance triathlon. If you don’t mind the cold start, this is a superb late season event.

* These guys are going to try and bankrupt Steve with a bill for curry and beer following this performance.